It happened some time between 10 and 11 pm last night. I may have shared about the one I had back in the summer of 2000 when I'd woken up one morning and had such clear vision of what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm sure many of you have had moments like that and I don't have to tell you what it does to the human mind and body. Somewhere between 10 and 11 pm, again, I realized that the whole point of feeling lost about certain aspects of my life has been the flip side to what has always meant to be the message: "go find it." Yin and fucking Yang!
Now you think I've lost it completely, don't you. Well, let me tell you something - when it makes sense, it makes sense. I guess now I know why I've been listening to Jigsaw Falling into Place like a mad man; in a weird way it was a sign pointing towards the time between 10 and 11pm.
Okay, it doesn't end there. I'm a fanatic about X to X, you've been exposed to a few of those in the past. Let me say, to use Oracle's line from The Matrix - some things to 'bake your noodles.'
Jigsaw ends with these words:
Wish away the nightmare Wish away the nightmare You've got a light you can feel it on your back You've got a light you can feel it on your back Jigsaws falling into place
Having your foundations thoroughly shaken today allows you to let go of preconceived ideas about how things should be just long enough to let a new and important idea or concept slip into place. Although you resist initially, your eventual surrender will be a relief.
What is it that I found with such clarity? Let's just say if I'd been a little more confident about things I'd have shaved my head, shed most of my earthly possessions and become a monk. But in my case, most of what I do won't change. What will change is what I do with my time, what I aim for to achieve in life, and where I go with the knowledge learned. Gaining knowledge is endless which is why the feeling will always be new. I also realized how little I know about things. Things I pretend to know a lot about. Thankfully, in this Internet age esp., knowledge can pay the bills. Bad memories and feelings of loss are like shackles; they force you to stay put.
John Spilsbury commercialized - not sure he invented - the Jigsaw puzzle, the first one being a map of the world. How appropriate. Pieces of a map is exactly what I feel like I have in my hands. They all should fit into one big thing and I don't know exactly where I am on what is supposed to be the finished map. What happened last night was that I somehow came to know that I have all the pieces to begin work with. All this time I'd felt lost because I never knew if I was fooled into thinking I had all the pieces. Makes sense? A bit weird, I know.
The ship has left the port and entered the deep end of the ocean. I know the ocean is like my own self - calm sometimes and stormy sometimes. Feel free to use the ship as a metaphor for whatever you think I am today - in your eyes.