I don't watch MTV much, which roughly translates into 'never!' If I do, it's likely because something catcheth my eye. So there I was, folding my laundry and asking myself why do I need to engage in two 'why do you need to this again?' acts simultaneously. What could possibly be more awful than 'I Love New York,' the VH1 classic? Boy did I choose a wrong time to ask myself that. As is the case with the shit-laced shows - in this case, EXPOSED - it caught my attention for two straight episodes. Since I was exposed to such classy material on the ViaCom Dios company-owned television program (you shall never get your hands on this circus show, YouTube), I thought why not give fellow writers a guide to writing this show. Maybe the show's creators - who, I suspect get a great pleasure out of watching young 'uns make a fool out of themselves in pursuit of an acting career (ha ha) - would appreciate your skills to add to the show.
Premise of show: Pretty Boy (or Mimbo) looking for a pretty girl (Bimbo #1 or 2) to be his date after just a few questions.
How: Mimbo #1's buddy will help him, via talking in his ear-piece, choose between two girls. And yeah, Mimbo's friend will assess if any of the bimbos are lying by using a 'special software' that detects truth from lies even a brain dead fruit fly can decipher.
Rule #1: If Mimbo picks between two girls, he must stand on the left side of the screen. His buddy must look dumber than him and act like an idiot. Must say 'dude' or 'bro' and names like 'Trey' or 'Cory' is preferred for both.
Rule #2 If Bimbo picks, her ugly friend has to be uglier than the ugly-but-she-thinks-she's-hot girl. Ugly friend should look Oscar-worthy happy to hook up her friend. Bimbo must pretend it should be her ugly friend who gets to hook up and she doesn't deserve the happiness.
Rule#3 When introducing characters - let's say Mimbo gets to pick here - the banter between the two must seem badly rehearsed.
Rule#3 Never mention what the name of the special software is. Never let the girls (whores) ask.
Mimbo: My name is Cory. I'm 19 and I'm looking for a girl who'll give me milk.
Friend: I'm Travis and I'm gonna help my buddy Cory here find that girl, cuz milk makes strong teeth and bone-marrows.
Mimbo: You think you can help me find that right girl today, Travis?
Friend: Hellz yeah, bro, I'm gonna hook you up, like I'd hook mee up.
Mimbo: Yeah? Then how do you explain your hair (tussles it a little, but enough to not seem gay)
Mimbo and Friend: Yeah! (they must hi-five)
When introducing the whores.
Whore #1: Hi, my name is Amber. I am 19 and am going to school to become a Senator. I like a guy with a sense of humor and tank tops. I am smart, hot, and I will definitely get picked.
Whore #2: My name is Sabre. I am 24. I finished high-school before text messaging was all the rage, so I definitely did not cheat. Anyway, I think I will get picked because - come on, look at me. (twirls)
The two girls walk up and meet.
Whore #1: Um, so do you know who I am competing with, grandma?
Whore #2: Funny. Are you on a lunch break from your matinee strip club?
Whore #1: What-everrr! I'd get picked over you any day. Besides, you'd make a great model...on radio.
Finally, the whores meet the mimbo. He asks them a series of questions. They should be as stupid as possible. His buddy, who is manning the 'software' responds to all their answers and tells mimbo who's lying and who's telling the truth. For example:
Mimbo to Sabre: Have you cheated on your boyfriend while you were together?
Sabre: Never. I've always treated my man like someone else's man.
Friend: Dude, she is so lying.
Mimbo to Amber: Have you? Ever cheated on your...?
Amber: Umm...maybe...like twice (she giggles)
Friend: She's definitely telling it like it is, bro.
At some point during the pop quiz, one of the whores has to walk out to give mimbo and whore alone time. Before one of the whores leave, she has to say things like, "hope you make the best of this, cuz this is as best as it gets for you' or 'I'll leave you two alone so you can see her fake boobs for the last time' But that's optional.
Mimbo must test the girls by asking them stupid-er questions. That type of question, however, must generate from friend.
Mimbo to Amber: How much do you think I paid for my haircut?
Amber: (laughing) I don't know...did your mom, like, cut it for you.. hee hee.
Friend: duuuuuude! She's funnyyyyy! But I don't know if she can give milk.
Whore #2 must come back and say things like: : "Oh, she boring you to death, already?" "Move along now, it's my time."
Whore #1 must say things like "Whateverrr" or "You're just jealous cuz I got some and you got mosquito bites"
Repeat alone-time process with her again.
Almost end of show. Mimbo must reveal that he has an ear-piece that his buddy Carter (I know it's Travis) but has been feeding lines with and that he's been using a special 'software' to find out who's been lying. Therefore, he must ask the whores if they'd like to come clean. Whores will always know which lie they have to clarify for continuity's sake. Therefore, Sabre knows to reply: "I lied, I never treated my man as someone else's man. I meant to. I guess I'm a one-man woman."
Mimbo's closing statement.
Mimbo: Amber, you are cute, I love that you love swimming with turtles and you showed me how to say 50 Cents correctly. You did lie about playing QB at your high-school football team.
Mimbo: Sabre, I like your style. You remind me of Ms. Anderson, our English teacher, but in a good way. She was hot. You did, however, lie about being faithful to your boyfriend.
Mimbo (conts): If I have to pick between the two of you...(tick tock)...I'm gonna say....it's you, Amber.
Sabre: (mouths, genuinely fake surprise) Whaat!
Sabre walks away. Mimbo and Amber hug and kiss. And whore always has to ask the guy: "So, why did you pick me?" And Mimbo always has to answer: "Cuz you're frickin' hott!!" Then they kiss.
A snippet of Sabre talking to camera is recommended, however, not mandatory.
Sabre: I know I'll become the Senator of LA, someday, not that stripper. I'm smart, intelligent, and do a great a capella of 'Oh say can you see'...you know, the anthem thingy. If Cory likes bimbos, he can have that hooch all he wants. I'm too good for this S(bleep)t!
It's not a perfect outline for Exposed, but perfection should be left alone for good film and television work. Good luck!
Adios, ViaCom Dios!