It could be you, an otherwise intelligent and enterprising person, who finds yourself sitting at the edge of the bed one morning and ask yourself, "Where's my life going? What am I doing? What bullshit do I have to deal with today? What if I don't leave this bed today? Would anything stop for me? Would anyone?" Then you do get up and go live your day. Living your day should not be a compromise for giving up living your life and embracing 'reality' written out by losers philosophizing their failure. But it is how you've been living it. It creeped up on you and one day you were already living it. Living life, simply put, from my point of view, has been happiness in being friends with the god of small things; god of small things, to me, means finding happiness in aspects of life that I take for granted. That you, too, take for granted. Don't you?
Saturday morning, May 26th, 2007, is when I had that edge-of-the-bed moment. I used to let little things make me happy - that 10-piece buffalo wing box from Domino's every Friday night; a cup of coffee at the right hour of the morning; an afternoon nap when I wasn't particularly sleepy; a phone call with a loved one - no that's a biggie and I can't not feel happy about that; yes...a non-fiction book that had one parting lesson to stir things up inside of me. That morning I felt I was beginning to lose that feeling. Why?
I guess there's a lot of resentment built up inside of me, none of which is caused by others. Well, maybe a 50/50. But I let a daily dose seep inside of me, I let it breed and conquer, and I let it dictate my feelings for things and others. I've compromised with the wrong crowd a lot growing up; I've compromised because I felt that would give me a short cut to acceptance; acceptance in bigger things, better things, and things packaged with valuables of no discerning value but still glittering. Ah, acceptance (and happiness), I hate the way you exchange vows.
Let's clear it up a bit, preferably in English. Never listen to anyone who gives you discouragement wrapped in practical advice. Only take advice that works for you. Sometimes someone's bullshit words will make perfect sense. If it does, then by all means make it useful. Always question authority. Questioning means your soul is alive. Which one of the Ws should you ask? 'Why' works best. Why is Superman, Superman? Why do children become who they are even though you've followed every rule in the book to raise them? Why are you still working at something, with something, someone, somewhere that destroys your spirit, soul, and decency? Why do you wake up each morning? Why do you suppose you are where you are? Not all 'whys' need to cover massive ground. Not all 'whys' need a revelation.
First part of this post was written a two nights ago. I'm sitting here looking at the words above and contemplating deleting a lot of it. Rewrite it, maybe. But I won't. It won't be true to how I felt that night. It's 1:21 am now. I don't anticipate tossing and turning in my sleep routine. In a few hours I'll find myself at the edge of the bed, again, sitting upright this time. I'll check the weather on NY1 which I haven't for a while. I'll pick up the guitar just to play a couple of chords; the intro to The Beatles's 'In My Life' would be perfect. Some posts I set for publish the next day. This one will be at 9:30 am. I'll get ready on time and won't be rushing like I do everyday. I'll smile a whole lot more. I find that makes people I run into smile back. People don't smile enough. Too many muscles get used they say; less than if you gave a middle finger, they say. I'll see a man with a huge backpack tying his kid's shoelaces outside the building, waiting for the school bus to arrive, perhaps; the kid seems to have an equally large backpack of his own to carry. God of small things will tap on my shoulder. Ah, you've never left me. On my way to work, riding the A train, I'll think some more about the words that had popped into my head and won't leave since the day before, "Live one day at a time, man."
Six little words that had no value until today became yesterday.
Ah, realization, I love the way you play with time.